Noun shpilkes (plural only)
See also: ants in one's pants
When I was in college, a then dear friend nicknamed me Shpilky. It derived from the "only-in-Yiddish can you say so much with a few letters" word, shpilkes, which I grew up understanding meant, "ants in your pants." He called me Shpilky because it was a reflection of where I was, how I vibrated internally and externally, and how I was experienced by others. The truth is that for so much of my life, and because of whatever we call our personal circumstances, I grew up mostly being focused on being in the past or the future. Anyplace but the present. Because wherever I was, I believed that something else, or someone else, was better than what is. This became an ongoing challenge and conflict, my natural, seeking, spiritual self coming face-to-face with my inability to "be here now." Becoming a parent was truly the first time that I was able to realize the essential importance of being in the presence of the present, on a real level. And, life's not that simple. Being forced, and able, to Pause and "be," also shined a light on my truth. Those foundational truths and beliefs that color our lenses, how we experience ourselves, and others. What isn't working. "Wherever you go, there you are," is the truth. Imploding my then known life - first the marriage, and then whatever what was deemed to be my "career" - created a multitude of secondary and tertiary consequences. One of them is that for my own mental and emotional health, I came to realize that as time in my life got shorter, I needed to slow down. To do more, to do more well and in the way that I wanted, to be a better reflection of who I always imagined myself being, I needed to scramble less, run around less, be less grabby for teasing possibilities, and simply breathe. Let my intuition come fully alive (it's amazing how much some of us can suppress the fondest parts of ourselves when in incompatible relationships, where we feel the need to diminish ourselves to "make it work."). It's been a bumpy and extraordinary journey of excavation and unfolding and allowing, one that I am constantly told by others requires deep courage. Whatever was the fuel, I knew that I craved the opportunity to create a life of joy, from the inside-out, and to be an inspiration for my kids, to never stop believing, and to go towards the light, and the love. And yes, while those delicious children taught me about unconditional love, one's kids alone cannot forever mask the longings that can become part of our emotional DNA. We have to start, from the inside-out. I am certainly no longer Shpilky. These days, I periodically am called things like "the most chill intense person" and/or "the most intense chill person" that someone has ever met. When I was living in the Bay Area, several people told me that they had never met such a passionate native New Yorker who also embodied simultaneously a West Coast vibe. I loved hearing it, because I wasn't TRYING to be that, or anything else. I was finally fully on the path of embracing my dichotomies in as congruent a way as I can. Now. Here. In the moment. I am blessed.